When you start off the day picking a fight with the sweetest most gentle human on the planet, it is not a very strong sign for a good day.
So that's my day today. Lovely.
This sounds like a totally roll your eyes typical excuse, because it is...but I have been super stressed lately. The ever growing need for more money than I have is really starting to take a toll on me and clearly I am not a grown up enough to keep it to myself. Why in the world when I get stressed am I compelled to share this unwanted burden on anyone and everyone who crosses my path....well maybe that isn't correct... maybe it's not anyone and everyone but those who are closest to me, the ones who I know love me...why is it they who end up with the big emotional wallop?
Probably because most of us generally believe that these people will forgive and love us anyway, and most of the time they do...accidentally reinforcing that nasty behavior and unfortunately increasing the likelihood of its repeated occurrence (dropping some behavior modification on your ass there).
So I started to realize that I seem to really screw things up whenever I attempt to handle them myself. Whenever I tell God that he has done a pretty good job, but I can take it from here...without fail, I always fall smack dab on my mug. Fail.
Faith, such a difficult thing for me....the Bible describes faith like this ....Hebrews 11: 1 "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. " Sounds easy, no? No.
Assurance in what we do not see, is to me one of the most difficult things I can do and even worse than that, the mere thought of attempting to try and have faith is difficult for me. So naturally I being the geek that I am turned to Google for comfort, here is what I came up with:
"I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me--that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns."
— Anne Lamott
What a gem.
Whenever I get sad, or worried or stressed I inevitably get down on myself for not trusting in God but maybe Ms. Lamott really hit the nail on the head, maybe noticing the mess and LETTING IT BE until some light returns is the essence of this whole trusting in God thing.
Food for thought.